Saturday, May 14, 2011
PRIEST in 3D. The movie with every cliche known to man
You know how some movies have cliches in them? Perhaps, it's thrown in here and there, or it's a cliched sidekick, or a character's motivation? What happens when every part of a film from plot to character to dialogue to look is a cliche? Well, you get PRIEST 3D. The most cliched film I have ever seen, you could say it's the one with the kitchen sink of cliches.
I won tickets to an advanced screening, so no money lost, which makes it not so bad. The film is barely 80 minutes long, and strives to be bigger than it is. The plot, which is forgettable, so forgive me if I mess it up, is this, an alternate world where vampires always lived with humans in what looks like a post-apocalyptic wasteland is the setting for a guy, Paul Bettany, a former Priest, and Priests in this movie were warriors against the vampires whom the church claimed have been defeated (surprise, they have not been!) anyway, he must find his niece who is kidnapped by one (a hybrid half-vamp/half human). He's got some bad ass special skills. He leaves the walled city that is run by the Church in an Orwellian fashion, and teams up with a sheriff (one of those Twilight actors) who is in love with the girl. See, the thing is, some people live in the outskirts, and those people are godless people that the church condemns. Oh, yeah, there's a crapload of religious stuff thrown in for good measure (cliche).
Nothing is original about the movie, hence the cliches. It takes everything it can from previous vampire movies, westerns, horrors, and movies with deserts as the backdrop. Even lines of dialogue are speeches I've heard (verbatim) from dozens of other films. I really do think the movie was trying desperately to be bigger and better than it actually is, but it fails. It's not an all out insulting attempt. It's just utterly forgettable. The most insulting part is the 3D. Why did this movie have to be in 3D? There is no reason at all for it to be anything other than 2D or DVD. This 3D technology is annoying.
For a horror type movie, very little on the horror, and only one killing scene was good. It comes towards the end, where a priestess, Maggie Q, uses some kind of metal lasso that slices up a dude in many pieces. Waiting an hour for such a shot isn't worth it.
I hope Bettany, who is a fine hunk of man, chooses better roles because lately, he's been choosing crap. Oh, and go see BRIDESMAIDS instead (review above)