Singleton + Writer + Book Lover + Moviegoer = Screen Spinster

Welcome to the loneliest blog on the web. I have no words of wisdom to espouse. (why does espouse sound so much like spouse? Is that word trying to rub it into my spinster brain?) Anyway, I don't own a cat. Never will. I don't cook, nor do I sew or knit, but I do spin a yarn (tale) from time to time. I have no domestic talents, I am not a domestic engineer/goddess, nor do I want to be. I'll sometimes post my views on scripts, (mine & yours or theirs) movies, television shows and maybe theatre, along with my own musings usually in the style of a poem. So pull up a rocking chair, sit back as your cherry pie bakes and stay a while if you like.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My opinion on the film G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA or what I like to call it, GI SHIT: THE RISE OF STINK

I picked up a copy of G.I. Joe Rise of the Cobra at the library last night on a whim. I then got talked out of watching 500 Days of Summer (which I've seen before and absolutely love!) to watch Joe. Now I take full responsibility for picking up the dvd myself. Nobody twisted my arm, or held a gun to my head. I thought, why not? It does have Joseph Gordon Levitt in it who is HOT! What I didn't know was that the dude is covered in some freaky mask with some silly voice program that doesn't sound like him at all! Grrrr, argh. Where was my eye candy to help me get through this piece of crap excuse for film making? It's not even bad enough to be good.

I have figured out that the more lame a plot is, the more difficult it is to follow because it makes absolutely no sense. Questions are constantly drawn as to why characters are doing this or saying that. GI JOE does this exceptionally well.

I'm tired of films being made that have no real story and are full of action sequences that don't even transition well together. Cartoon remakes are the primary culprit of such things. GI JOE and Transformers 2, two of the higher grossing films of last year, are examples. No doubt, both will be getting more films out of their respective franchises. (Poke my fucking eyes out now)

There's really no reason to go over plot or characters of GI JOE. The acting is crap. Tatum Channing is a waste of cinematic space, so much so that I just inverted his name and didn't even realize it. (Channing Tatum) UGH! The rest of the cast is forgettable as well. I mean, GI JOE wasn't made for characterization and personal development. I do however give a shout out to the BOOB MASTER or BOOB WRANGLER who dressed the Baroness and Scarlet in such a way to highlight their uhm, cough, best features. Nicely done and teen boys everywhere, salute you!

I couldn't help feeling bad as I watched one action sequence that took place in the streets of Paris where many cars got blown up. I felt bad because I kept thinking that all the money spent on blowing shit up could have fed a country full of starving people for a year, or at least create several independent films that would have been worth seeing. Blowing shit up isn't art. It can be fun when it's surrounded by intelligent story and smart characters and solid actors who love their craft. Everyone in this film just phoned their performances in. Next time, don't even both showing up, just get robots to replace them.

So needless to say I'll be rewatching 500 Days of Summer again to hopefully wash the stench out of my eyes of this dreck.


  1. Wait - are you saying you *didn't* like 'G.I. Joe'?

  2. in the words of the toddler in my life "no like."